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Love Doesn't Always Work...

Friday, August 11, 2006

"Sometimes love can feel like, the closest thing to heaven....Sometimes love can feel like you've been ran over by a car....It's the strangest thing I know, make you feel warm when you feel cold....."

Okay Okay Okay...So it happens to men and more importantly it can happen to me too...Never thought it would but hey that's why I don't get paid to predict things....

Anyone who read my last blog can understand the point, reason, and pain of this one....Scenario: Last week I'm pretty much on top of the world, happy with life, happy at home...bothered by a few things but who's not?? Fast Forward to Saturday..which at the time I thought was my best day of the year...up until that night/Sunday morning when not only was my level of trust with someone that I trusted more than anyone in this world was dealt a crushing, humiliating, breath-taking blow. I found out that the person that was so close to me had been keeping something important from me and not something that if they had just told me would've been a big thing at all...then I find out that this secret has been going on for awhile dating back to 2 days before another important date in my life...then (fast forward again to today) when I found out that in addition to that secret certain things have been going on behind my back and in my face as if I were just an after thought...hmmm...that caused three things that I've rarely experienced in life - - Pain, Heartache and Crying..yeah to know me is to doubt that such things are possible if they occur at all...

You ever been in a relationship with someone for so long and when it ends you feel like you've left something on the table?? That you've given all that you had/knew how to only to find out that the things that you didn't were what got you to that end point?? Well that's where I'm currently sitting....at that point where I just feel numb..where I don't know just how to feel anymore and further more if I even should....So many emotions, feelings, thoughts about the past. About past relationships, about missed opportunities, about life, I just wish that we were all given a reset button, a switch, something that would allow us to go back and re-live moments, redo things, remove the bad...I at this point know what I want, who I want and when I want the only thing that I don't know is how get there....should I take my time?? Should I just jump in there?? I just had my heart broken in the most unimaginable way possible..and for what?? Is this karma finally coming back for all of the hearts I've broken?? Or is it that I'm destined to be on the edge of love..to see what live is like...to feel it...to taste, but not to enjoy it?? Or is it that love has always been there, but I was just too much of an idiot to realize it?? Why is it that the person that breaks your heart is always the person that you want in your life the most??

Just like my last blog I'm not sure if this is more to clear my thoughts - - turn the pain off for a lil bit, or to in someway share with anyone else who's ever been down this road....I do know that given the chance any/everyone can fix mistakes that they've made...I just want to know how to go about opening up and trusting again...loving again without the bad memories of the past clouding my mind?? There is so much that I want to say to this person, so many questions about what went wrong, so many mistakes that I want to go back and fix..but I have this sinking feeling that no matter what I do...nothing about what's happened is going to go away, I feel as though my life will never progress the way that I want it to unless I can get past this, that I will never be able to share my true emotions with any...EVER...most guys that I know would just say "fuck it", but I can't....I just can't turn my heart off, I just want to feel alive again...feel as though I matter to one person more than I do to the rest of the world..to feel like a 16 year old kid again..anxious, giddy, nervous..humph..HAPPY...

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