Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I've heard it said time and time again that in order to achieve greatness you must first fail.
My question is: How many times must one fail in order to begin to see a touch of greatness....?
I've recently been evaluating my life and the decisions that I made up to know, thought back on past relationships, promises(broken and unbroken), jobs, friends, dreams, ambitions, goals, pretty much everything. And to this point I can honestly say that in all of things I failed on way or another, pretty weird that after 28 years on this earth I can't come up with a single thing that I've done and managed to have at least partial success at. Aside from bringing 2 beautiful little girls into this world I have yet to do anything that defines me as a person. I've asked and asked and asked God again "What it is that I am here for?" "What is my path?" and to this point I haven't gotten an answer...Do I think he's listening?? Sure, do I think he has an answer?? That remains to be seen...
So far I know that I can do just about everything wrong, and just about nothing right. And anyone who reads this then looks back on all the times they've been around me will also see this. A few things I've been good at over the years: Women, making money for others, Video Games and drinking. Funny right? None of which would be a bad thing if I lived in Hollywood. But I don't and I'm a llloooonnngg way away from there. I hear all the time about how I'm such a hero for having gone to Iraq..Hero?? Heros do HEROIC things, I was just doing my job...earning my paycheck and got lucky enough to make it home. But then again I can't remember half of what I did over there so I guess it doesn't really matter then does it??
You ever read a book or watch a show on t.v. and think "That's my life"?
I have and more often than not those books and movies revolve around middle aged men who've done so much but in the grand scheme of things had accomplished so little. Now I don't want anyone to read this to offer me their pity, or start looking for me on bridges or anything along those lines I'm past that and probably would not acknowledge it anyway. That's just me, what I do want is for those around me to fully understand the type of person that I am. Only problem is I don't fully understand who that person is, it's like I'm stuck in a dream world with no hope of waking up. I'm frustrated man, fed up, hurt, angry, scared, lost, confused, dejected, drunk without drinking, high without assistance. It's like I've got a million things going on in my mind and can't figure out how to concentrate on one. I consider my self to be a student of life, I get all the hands-on training in the world, passing(or getting by) equates to life...failing equates to death and excelling equates to success. Only bad thing about this is there's no degree and as of yet no job where this skill applies...
I'm told all the time by those that are close to me that I should write a book/books and I often start on such things, but as person with ADD that book only gets as far as the thought in my head...when I'm laying down at night. Imagine if you will: Going to bed at 2 in the morning and laying there until 5 or 6 doing nothing but writing in your mind. Movies, books, Childrens' books, music, television shows then finally falling asleep only to wake up got to write about what you thought and remembering virtually none of it... Funny huh? Imagine running a business and making a little over 500k in less than 3 months for someone else and not even recievng at least 5%. Wait I've got a couple more. First one up: Imagine being in a warzone, stopping a vehicle..searching it and finding almost 1M in US Currency...telling your superviser and team members and...turning it all in and then two weeks later find yourself in a position where either your life or your career are on the line. You can lose your life if you tell what you know which would result in some of your closest friends going to jail or siliencing you...or you could choose to keep your mouth shut and thus throw away something that you've worked so hard for?? My being here should tell you what I chose to do. Next up...How about finding a job that you absolutely love, make a killing at what you're doing...and lose it in the matter of a phone call from a disgruntled ex-employee??
Check it out: I've gone from being the rich kid on the block with everything to the poor kid on the block who had to borrrow power, who do to the kindness of others(Thank You again Barbara) still felt like he had everything in the world to the Badass Army guy to the Ladie's man to a husband to a father to being homeless sleeping 3 in a Ford Focus to being in jail(54 days..but felt like years), to being angry to being mean to being a alchy to being nice to being sober to having a good job to losing that job to getting what I thought was another job(only to be discriminated against for being all things - a guy - seriously) to where I am now. I've met a few interesting people along the way none more interesting than the next and along the way I hope that the positives out-weigh the negative. I do know that I've given hope to some and stolen hearts from others and to anyone who's ever felt wronged by me I apologize and those who I have yet to..Hmm, not promising that somewhere along the way I will but if I do..I apologize. All I ask is that you provide me the opportunity to make up for the errors of my ways.
I'll end this blog, along the lines that I end almost all of my blogs:
All that you have read is what I'm feeling, thinking and saying to myself. I asked that while reading or after reading what I've written you look at it the same way I do when I go back and read them. Take out of what I say only what you can yourself truly understand, I write not for entertainment or for attention but rather because I tend to think that someone, somewhere is feeling the same way.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and I will welcome any comments be they postive or negative.
I've heard it said time and time again that in order to achieve greatness you must first fail.
My question is: How many times must one fail in order to begin to see a touch of greatness....?
I've recently been evaluating my life and the decisions that I made up to know, thought back on past relationships, promises(broken and unbroken), jobs, friends, dreams, ambitions, goals, pretty much everything. And to this point I can honestly say that in all of things I failed on way or another, pretty weird that after 28 years on this earth I can't come up with a single thing that I've done and managed to have at least partial success at. Aside from bringing 2 beautiful little girls into this world I have yet to do anything that defines me as a person. I've asked and asked and asked God again "What it is that I am here for?" "What is my path?" and to this point I haven't gotten an answer...Do I think he's listening?? Sure, do I think he has an answer?? That remains to be seen...
So far I know that I can do just about everything wrong, and just about nothing right. And anyone who reads this then looks back on all the times they've been around me will also see this. A few things I've been good at over the years: Women, making money for others, Video Games and drinking. Funny right? None of which would be a bad thing if I lived in Hollywood. But I don't and I'm a llloooonnngg way away from there. I hear all the time about how I'm such a hero for having gone to Iraq..Hero?? Heros do HEROIC things, I was just doing my job...earning my paycheck and got lucky enough to make it home. But then again I can't remember half of what I did over there so I guess it doesn't really matter then does it??
You ever read a book or watch a show on t.v. and think "That's my life"?
I have and more often than not those books and movies revolve around middle aged men who've done so much but in the grand scheme of things had accomplished so little. Now I don't want anyone to read this to offer me their pity, or start looking for me on bridges or anything along those lines I'm past that and probably would not acknowledge it anyway. That's just me, what I do want is for those around me to fully understand the type of person that I am. Only problem is I don't fully understand who that person is, it's like I'm stuck in a dream world with no hope of waking up. I'm frustrated man, fed up, hurt, angry, scared, lost, confused, dejected, drunk without drinking, high without assistance. It's like I've got a million things going on in my mind and can't figure out how to concentrate on one. I consider my self to be a student of life, I get all the hands-on training in the world, passing(or getting by) equates to life...failing equates to death and excelling equates to success. Only bad thing about this is there's no degree and as of yet no job where this skill applies...
I'm told all the time by those that are close to me that I should write a book/books and I often start on such things, but as person with ADD that book only gets as far as the thought in my head...when I'm laying down at night. Imagine if you will: Going to bed at 2 in the morning and laying there until 5 or 6 doing nothing but writing in your mind. Movies, books, Childrens' books, music, television shows then finally falling asleep only to wake up got to write about what you thought and remembering virtually none of it... Funny huh? Imagine running a business and making a little over 500k in less than 3 months for someone else and not even recievng at least 5%. Wait I've got a couple more. First one up: Imagine being in a warzone, stopping a vehicle..searching it and finding almost 1M in US Currency...telling your superviser and team members and...turning it all in and then two weeks later find yourself in a position where either your life or your career are on the line. You can lose your life if you tell what you know which would result in some of your closest friends going to jail or siliencing you...or you could choose to keep your mouth shut and thus throw away something that you've worked so hard for?? My being here should tell you what I chose to do. Next up...How about finding a job that you absolutely love, make a killing at what you're doing...and lose it in the matter of a phone call from a disgruntled ex-employee??
Check it out: I've gone from being the rich kid on the block with everything to the poor kid on the block who had to borrrow power, who do to the kindness of others(Thank You again Barbara) still felt like he had everything in the world to the Badass Army guy to the Ladie's man to a husband to a father to being homeless sleeping 3 in a Ford Focus to being in jail(54 days..but felt like years), to being angry to being mean to being a alchy to being nice to being sober to having a good job to losing that job to getting what I thought was another job(only to be discriminated against for being all things - a guy - seriously) to where I am now. I've met a few interesting people along the way none more interesting than the next and along the way I hope that the positives out-weigh the negative. I do know that I've given hope to some and stolen hearts from others and to anyone who's ever felt wronged by me I apologize and those who I have yet to..Hmm, not promising that somewhere along the way I will but if I do..I apologize. All I ask is that you provide me the opportunity to make up for the errors of my ways.
I'll end this blog, along the lines that I end almost all of my blogs:
All that you have read is what I'm feeling, thinking and saying to myself. I asked that while reading or after reading what I've written you look at it the same way I do when I go back and read them. Take out of what I say only what you can yourself truly understand, I write not for entertainment or for attention but rather because I tend to think that someone, somewhere is feeling the same way.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and I will welcome any comments be they postive or negative.
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