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Suicide, In a *note*…

Dear World,

Today I think I thought about killing myself…I saw the whole scene…I’ll save you all the glory details…I want you to think about what I said…what was on my mind?…I had my “car chase” finale, I was in the car that slammed into the wall at 180mph…Straight through the windshield, directly into the wall…That last round in the chamber, the noose around my neck, the pills, the liquor..Any and every way possible I thought it and saw it today…I really felt the loneliness that is associated with the thought of suicide…

I was just sitting here at my desk, listening to music & filling out forms(ugh) for the VA, and I kept seeing the words “Suicide”, “If you or any of your loved one’s”. Over and over again, on what seemed like every page that has to deal with Veterans. Repeatedly I saw the words…and at first I just shrugged it off like we all do…I even remember saying to myself “Not me”…I didn’t even want to think about it, me and that word would NEVER been associated…Just when I was saying that I’d never be the one to think about it, I was just the one thinking about it…One minute I’m sitting there thinking that there has to be a serious suicide problem if they care enough to keep bringing it up, that’s when the words “Suicide & M3” became associated. I thought about all of the things that are going on in my life, all of my failures “what if I killed myself?” My heart stopped for a second..it was like my brain had just had an earthquake…inside my chest there was an expLOSion inside my heart..it rattled me…I shook a little…I saw it, I witnessed it, I did it, I lived through it…

I saw pictures of my life that I didn’t know were taken, I saw a snapshot of everything that I’d ever done..I even saw the things that I only see in my DREAMS…My life, my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE “PAUSED”…

-If you’re reading this and don’t get how I write, my “style”, the fact that sometimes I purposely repeat myself or whatever else in the FUCK you don’t like about me..FUCK YOU…’Cause I swear “I’ll kill myself” if I don’t share what I have to say with somebody…SOON-

I saw all of my friends and family, I saw every person that I’ve ever known…There was soo much joy and happiness..But there was also pain…there was "pain for all of the trouble that I’ve caused”…There was sorrow…There was hurt..There was anger and there was rage…Pressure Valve bursting rage…If the rage that I had pent up inside had a flavor, that flavor would be the hottest of cinnamon…my rage was cajun…I think that I had all this rage because I was mad at myself for allowing myself to think about me, myself putting my life to an end…Fortunately for me, when I went thru this experience this afternoon, I went thru it with love…In all of the things that I saw and thought today as a result of thinking about my own suicide, I saw all of the reasons why I could handle having the thought in the first place. 

I don’t know exactly what to say about what I had to say right now, I feel so good now that I’ve gotten that off of my chest…I feel so much better now that I’ve said that…That’s one less skeleton in my closet…I acknowledge that what I’ve written about today may raise some questions in your minds about my mental stability…One answer is the fact that I think of everyone I meet as a friend, and as a friend I think I should tell you something…There are millions of people around the world who have or have had the same thought that I had today…and there are numerous amounts of people who actually follow thru with the thought…Some even travel to the State of Washington, where they can get “assistance” in carrying out what they were thinking…Imagine…No Fuck that..Don’t imagine, don’t “picture” as the post below suggests….Talk about it, ask someone that you know if they’ve thought about it…Hell you can even tell them that I did…I’m doing it, part of the reason I’m still alive.

 

-I feel that I must state this and state this clearly: I thought what if I committed suicide..Not I want to commit suicide. I DID NOT NOR AM I thinking about  carrying out or committing suicide..I just had the thought of what if..I hope that I explained this clearly enough-

.2. 143

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