So You Wanna Go to War??

There was a time when I walked among HEREOS, and now I sit alone in the shadows.

This blog is for ANYONE who wants to know what goes thru the mind of someone who’s been to War:

Millions of people experience it and out of those millions only a few thousand of us aren’t afraid to talk about it. What is it?

                                           DEPRESSION.

I don’t know where to start…My mind is so full of pain, of secrets, of lies. So full of things that I’ve done and have yet to do. I’m sitting here and wondering if anyone truly knows how I’m feeling. I am unable to tell people how I feel so most of the time my thoughts are isolated in my mind. I never cry, yet I feel sad. I AM A BROKEN MAN. I blame myself for just about everything that goes wrong in my life, I usually attribute all the negatives to my karma, to the things that I’ve done wrong. I don’t even know where to start, I think I’ve done more things than could possibly be listed. There are so many things that I would like to share, but I know that I can’t share these things with no one I know. Most people who feel like I do at this moment would just end it or at least attempt to, I however will not take that path. I cannot take that path, although I must admit that honestly the thought has crossed my mind on occasion. I think it’s because I am too weak, to afraid that –that attempt may in fact be the only thing that I do successfully in this life.

Some would suggest finding a hobby, well I believe that I may have finally outgrown the one hobby that I had. Some would also suggest turning to family for love and support, but how can I do that if I myself do not know how to love. Other’s would say “Turn to God” and I’ve tried that time and time again, I think that I may have strayed too far off of the path to find my way back. So my question now is: “Where do I go from here?”

See I have/had a dream, a dream that I’ve shared with just about everyone that I know and as of yet not even a portion of what I’ve dreamt has come about. Do I give up?? Do I continue to be patient?? Am I wasting endless amounts of energy and time??

 

I sit alone almost everyday for 6 hours a day, surrounded by four walls. My only connection with the outside world coming from the box within my own world. I talk to no one, I am comforted by no one and I interact with no one. I am jobless and at times it feels as though I have no REAL future. I have a constant feeling that someone is watching me, waiting for the right time to attack. I constantly feel as though my life and the lives of those around me are in danger. I’ve found that I only have two real emotions: Happiness and Anger. Until recently I had a drinking and marijuana problem, more so because I felt that those things were a way for me to escape reality. I am unable to have a conversation in which I disagree with the thoughts of others possibly due to being so accustomed to how things were handled in the military(even after 5 years). I have a body that falls apart more each day, I am in constant physical pain(even though I’ve become pretty good at hiding it), which I think plays a role in my depression. I have severe trust issues(mainly because I tend to analyze EVERY portion of conversation, body language, tone, and eye movement) when it comes to everyone in my life. I find myself mentally attacking and/or abusing just about everyone that I come into contact with(even if they do not know it). I suffer from anxiety attacks whenever I am driving which causes me to look at EVERYTHING around me.

See to me this isn’t just a blog, just some random writing. For me this is therapeutic, this is what helps me make it day to day. At this point in my life ALL that I have left are these words, MY WORDS.