Killer's Remorse

A lot of people ask me what it's like to be a Combat Infantry Vet. What's it like to go to war? What it's like knowing that at any moment you could die? And what the question I hate the most....Did you kill someone? For years I've tried to avoid answering other than saying, "I did my job". I was okay with that being the answer I gave and the lie that I've told myself to get through each and everyday since returning home. That was until the Department of Veterans Affairs denied my claim for Disability Compensation, stating that none of my issues/contentions were combat related..Hmmph..Who know that killing people for a living didn't qualify? That being the case...my honest answer, the honest truth, and my response to the VA: I usually try to avoid I was raised by parents whose only want for me, was to one day be grow up and prove to the world that the experience of truly being loved and truly being in love only elude those too afraid to risk encountering the rejection of both. Above all the things I ever been told, I've always believed that as long as I could find reason enough to..love above, beyond, and love despite all would forever trump the temptation to loathe or to hate, and through love I would never find one single person whom I would deem as unworthy regardless of others level of doubt, trust and reservation, or respect. Thus far I must admit that I do not know if I have yet to accomplish what I've sought, then again nor if yet to set a single benchmark along the way. For that matter I've done my share of wrong and offered up, sometimes blaming, often using love as the excuse for my motives and methods. Funny how much, in the same breath it seems that I can speak so highly of something that on more than one occasion I've abused, battered, and bruised...only to nurse along. I suppose that if left with nothing else, lack of friends and void of money, the raising of me by my parents and knowing that regardless of all, the awareness that I as I am, if nothing more, am blessed by a God whose everlasting love for me always has and always will guide my heart, even when my thoughts have led my actions astray is comfort enough. Even as I sit here knowing that no matter how much love I try to share and provide to every person I meet or have ever met, my actions, efforts, and words will never be enough erase the true fact that I fight the hardest to accept. And that is that from the day was trained by man to outsmart another man with my mind, outfight another man with my physical strength, and when/if the time came, to look a man in his eyes without fear, hesitation, or regret as I killed him with my bare hands. As a result of having done just such on more than one occasion, I am one of the few people who will ever know what's it like to watch as love takes one last breath while watching the soul rise from the body as it falls to earth... As a result... Day after day, I debate-I debate.. Do I keep popping a handful of adderall and buspar chased down with a pint of everclear in hopes that eventually the mixture of both will someday soon bring a permanent silence to all of voices that seem to echo louder and louder in my ears...Or should I accept them as permanent melody. Night after night, I wonder... When will crushing up this ambien into dust and mixing it with this kush eventually lead to the peaceful rest and escape from nightmares that constantly haunt me...Or should I accept the visions as reflections of a fate soon to come to be. It's been a long time coming... More and more it feels as though as each and every second passes, the more and more that I discover that I am alone, More and more it feels as though for each and every minute that passes, the wall between having the strength and courage to continue forward is being crumbled and overwhelmed by the urge to quit and give up, More and more it feels as though as each hour passes through the glass, I found myself staring out the window wondering if it's only a matter days until a single round from this pistol on my lap is my only salvation, my only escape, my only solution.