Where are you?
Where have you gone?
Why have you left me here all alone?
Will you ever come back?
Those are just a few of the questions that I ask myself each day that I open my eyes.
WHY CAN’T I THINK ANYMORE?
WHY CAN’T I UNDERSTAND ANYTHING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
WHEN WILL IT ALL CLICK AND MAKE SENSE AGAIN?
WHEN WILL MY STRUGGLING END?
WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?
WHY AM I SO AFRAID?
WHY AMI SO ASHAMED?
WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I AM CONSTANTLY ALONE?
WHY DOESN’T ANYONE CARE?
WHEN WILL SOMEONE LISTEN?
WILL ANYONE EVER UNDERSTAND?
My head is so full of questions, that the answers themselves are invisible…
I can no longer continue to live my life the way that it is, and so I choose today, this moment, this time to put an end to way that it is.
I’m tired of having to explain what I mean in order for other people to understand, I’m tired of trying to be what people expect while at same time failing to meet overall expectations. Tired of wondering when my I would have my turn…Tired of chasing pipe dreams, and filling my head full of things that may never see…and most of all I’m tired of of the air that I breathe…
Everything that you’ve read on this website and others that I have, all came from the mind of an unexpected, unrespected delusional genius. Every line, every word, every sentence put together in an attempt to bring people together…But it seems as though the only way that people will ever pay any sort of attention is if you pay them or if it benefits them in the pocket. A far, far different world to which I am accustomed to. A society that sadly I no longer seem to understand nor am actually a part of. So with that I say that if ever someone should stumble across this website and read a little bit, perhaps wonder what the point of it all was…just know that it was all a last ditch attempt by one man to share his life, thoughts, and feelings with another.
There was once such a time when writing and the putting together of words was something that I never really had to think about…never had to sit an think for hours on how to say whatever was on my mind. Yet lately I find it increasingly difficult to not only put together complete sentences, lately I have been unable to form complete thoughts about anything at all. Unless of course I’m thinking about all that troubles me on a daily basis. To be honest the only thing(s) that I have been able to think about lately is how much thinking I’ve been doing lately, how for some reason I wake up everyday afraid. Afraid that I’m not a good enough job with school, afraid that everyday my daughters are being deprived of being raised in the correct fashion, afraid that because my older brother is so unwilling to grow up and leave the street mentality behind, that one day the streets will catch up to him, and I’ll get that phone call that will crush my world. And when I’m not worrying myself of those problems, I find myself wondering what happened to the strong, independent, and vibrate woman who I’ve known all my life, my mom, the one person in the world that I thought ‘had it all together’, seems to be falling apart slowly day-by-day and there is nothing I can do change any of it. Middle of the night phone calls from mom that once brought a smile to my face before I went to bed, now keep me up all night wondering how just being born has in a way ruined her life. I tell you..it sucks when the person who carried you for nine months and brought you into this world can’t even remember when you were conceived and argues with you for an hour about all the things in your childhood that she can no longer remember.
Then there is the daily looking out of the windows, and looking over the shoulders routine that has become second nature because the city that I live in has become a modern day war zone. I swear, who needs video games such a Grand Theft Auto, when you can live in a virtual real life demo. Sharing a little more honesty, I’ll tell you that part of the reason why I gave up smoking marijuana was because I felt with the way the things are around here, it was only a matter of time before my dealer would find himself tempted by greed and try to rob me. A situation/scene that plays so often in my mind that sometimes that’s all that I can think about…
I was once creative…or thought I was. I was so full of ideas..now all my ideas are full of doubt.
There was a time when I was intellectual, charismatic, outgoing, and well..fun. Somehow I no longer am. I used to think that one day I’d have it all, now I all I know is that one day my wife will have had enough of the anxiety & panic attacks that require her to leave in the store in the middle of shopping in order to rush home and comfort me as I battle ghosts from previous battles. Silly me, there was a time when I felt that she didn’t deserve me and how great I am, now all I can think is that she doesn’t deserve me and how horrible I’ve become…
I mean who would want to be married to a guy who can’t remember where the keys are, can only communicate with the aide of a wireless controller, and who seems to be failing at the only thing he is currently required to do..I mean how hard is it to sit at home, study, and do assignments? Answer basic questions with detailed information in a format that is easy to read and understand, simple right? Simple unless you’re like me and you' find yourself too simple of mind to understand the question(s) posed.
I used to want to know everything, and now I find myself wishing I could remember anything ‘cause it fucking sucks when you read a book or books all week and at the end of the week the only thing you can summon to mind from all the words is that you spent a lot of time reading something that relates to something else…Confusing? Welcome tp my thought process..A place where if you can see it, then you know it…but close your eyes and everything will disappear.
As I sit here, preparing to close this…preparing to close my eyes for the last time…I can’t help but wonder what life would’ve been like had I ever reached my dreams..I wonder what life is like for those who do…
Now leaving the internet and returning back to earth. What a wonderful, wonderful ride..Goodbye.
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