Vent

Life just hasn’t been the same every since I quit smoking weed. It seems as though trying to clear my head and attempting to uncloud my thoughts has opened my eyes to a world that has in a way spiraled out of control. Imagination and creativity has been replaced with worry and fear about tomorrow as I hope to make it through another day. If you’re reading this please understand that none of what I’m saying here comes from depression or out of sadness…Well not entirely, see I’m not depressed or sad or even lonely myself or should I say for myself, but I rather for the world, a world that itself is becoming more and more each day depressed and sad with little flashes of happiness. Rare is the good news, too often the news is bad.

Each day that passes a new form or “Terror” strikes randomly across our country, that not too long ago we only witnessed happening in other parts of the world. What has become of us, of our society? Why is it that I now feel as though I have to do something, when before doing something was an option. Why is that each day that I awake, I rise with shoulders that must carry the burden of those who can not?

Random shootings, plots against our own government, increasing gang violence, threats from other nations, political dick measuring, and a shitty economy indicates that we are all in some way, shape, or form being fucked. Not by the ‘man’, not by those in far off lands, but by our fucking selves. Shooting ourselves not in the foot but in the face, because we refuse to simply abide by the rules. It’s become apparent that the only way to survive nowadays is to be “clicked up” with one group or another in order to feel safe. When did it become so easy to change the rules of the game? When did life become nothing more than a game? Those who seek wealth, seek the highest score and are willing to do just about anything to achieve such no matter who stands in the way or what the consequences are, choosing rather to place blame for their failures and never offering praise to those who’ve helped them along the way.

I used think it was okay to blaze and read, blaze and write a few songs, blaze and write a book. Did those things and figured I was part of the problem as opposed to being a part of the solution. But I’ve figured out that high or not, no one really cares what you do or don’t do, what you you want to do,  unless you you’ve done something to disrupt them. I used to think that opportunity would knock if I simply tried hard enough, for awhile I even walked on eggshells trying to please and befriend everyone I came across thinking/hoping/wishing that if I’m nice enough and do enough good that the heavens above would then bless me with all of the things that I’ve ever dreamt of having. Instead each day I faced a new problem, either one of my own or one that was made mine by those that I know.

Never one to shy away from an issue, I constantly assume the responsibility, the role of the one who believes that there is a solution to every problem, the one person to be counted on…Not for any other reason than the fact that I always saw/see that no one else is really into doing for another just for the sake of doing so. As I sit here now, struggling with a decision, weighing the possible outcomes…I can’t but help but wonder if I’m the only person in this world who is facing this particular problem at this very moment.

Should I continue trying to make a difference in the world by sharing my creativity with anyone who dares to show an interest with the hopes of one day re-uniting a world that has become some un-unified? Or should I say to hell with it leave everything I’ve done to date for someone else to one day find, refine, and redistribute to ears and eyes that’ll pay some attention?

I dunno, don’t know what to do anymore…I feel as though one part of me is dying on the inside on a daily basis, being suffocated by the need to step up and fix things. Almost as if God himself has reached into my heart and brain, removed what little talent I had and replaced it with a mind and heart set on rebuilding our world. Crazy I know, but that’s just how I feel. Could it be the residue from all the weed in my past? Could it be the aftershock effects of the gallons of Jack Daniels and Everclear that once consumed on a all day daily basis? Could it be the anxiety that I sometimes fear as a result of my PTSD? I really do not have a clue at this point, yet oddly enough instead of being depressed or suicidal, or angered in anyway I’m find myself happy, calm, and a little puzzled.

Funny, interesting, wicked crazy thing about life is that you truly never know where your thoughts, actions, and decisions may one day lead you. I say that because growing up, of all of the things I imagined, the way I saw my life at thirty is nowhere near the life that I have now and I must say that there are very few things that I regret or would do any differently. Matter of fact the only real thing that stands out, that I would love to go back and do over again is my credit and the stupid ways that I carelessly chose to abuse it. Dropping out of high school to join the Army, choosing the Infantry as my career, getting married and starting a family young, going off to war, sacrificing my career for the career of others, the addiction to drugs & alcohol, the infidelity/adultery, being homeless, being an online college student, trying my hand at writing music/books, everything I’ve done up to this point in my life, all of the different things I’ve tried my hand at, good & poor decisions all I wouldn’t change because without them I would be who I am today. But damnit, if credit isn’t the only thing that to this day haunts me..lol.

As I sit here in my living room/office looking out the window, watching the cars roll by I can’t help but wonder how many of those occupants, those people headed somewhere from somewhere see the world I see going nowhere…Are they too just rolling along, blindly heading down the path? Or do they possess just a little bit of guidance? Does anyone? Will anyone?

Well, that’s all the thought I had for today…off the wall I know…But I kinda felt like I today I just needed to:

 

 

VENT

Whether or not I make sense…