@Who's Saying This

Dear World, Today I think I thought about killing myself…I saw the whole scene…I’ll save you all the glory details…I want you to think about what I said…what was on my mind?…I had my “car chase” finale, I was in the car that slammed into the wall at 180 mph …Straight through the windshield, directly into the wall…That last round in the chamber, the noose around my neck, the pills, the liquor..Any and every way possible I thought it and saw it today…I really felt the loneliness that is associated with the thought of suicide… I was just sitting here at my desk, listening to music & filling out forms (ugh) for the VA, and I kept seeing the words “ Suicide ”, “If you or any of your loved one’s”. Over and over again, on what seemed like every page that has to deal with Veterans. Repeatedly I saw the words…and at first I just shrugged it off like we all do…I even remember saying to myself “Not me”…I didn’t even want to think about it, me and that word would NEVER been associated…Jus

Before I start…Have you figured out the      ? Ya wanna know what really fucking bothers me sometimes?? it really fucking sucks when there’s no one around to think with.  Not necessarily there to talk to, but I’m talking think… Where you’re there and you only say something when whatever you’re thinking provokes words. A short conversation lasting only seconds, but it hangs in the air, stand ing by to resume at any minute….Perhaps my main problem it the fact that sometimes when I’m writing I tend to drift off and say space space what’s on my {@^@} ? I just gave you 2 more riddles… I’ll give you two hints… I just told you one by telling you in pink & the other is > YES, I meant to type “ space  space”..I think I did it again as a matter of fact..okay really…If you look at it you’ll see that I meant to type space after I pressed space twice, I really thought you’d get it and read “say space,space,space.space..what is that picture…?..You fool, I just told you I had 2 ridd

Let’s paint a picture with words, let’s use vivid colors to express what were thinking, let’s trac e a little and draw an outline around how we feel, let’s use bright colors to shine in our happiness, let’s use dark shades to conceal how we feel. Today let’s not follow the "”rules”, today let’s paint a “word picture”…Today the pe nc i ls , pen and brushes will have no use. Today I’m going to attempt to paint 2 “mental pictures” and I’ll be doing that by telling you how I feel. Here I am…Just about the “cross that line”… AGAIN … I saw the sign the first time..but I figured that ‘cause I’m M3, that warning was meant for others…Here I go doing something unpractical at a time when practically everyone is afraid of a peculiar fellow who practices staying perpendicular to the [_]…Right now I don’t know whether I should feel rejected, dejected, unhappy or upset. I do know that for some strange reason I’ve still managed to keep both  calm & upbeat thru it all…I feel that some th

  Spazz Out & Dance with the world that’s what I want to do. I want to BOUNCE myself off the fucking wall right now.. candy bars & S|||P|||A|||C|||E|||D out * Stars *    I swear my biggest phobia is people not knowing who I ARRRGH ..Whatever…I see myself as myself standing on the edge of the edge..one false step off this ledge and I may tweak my ankle, which only cause a greater delay to  the start of this journey up the flight of stairs that lead to the door that opens the windows deep within the halls of my mind…Scratch that thought & scratch those words …”Nothing that I ever say is real, nothing I do means anything…”. Wait it…no…it does…How do I know? Hmm…Could be because I know that I make some of the words up as I go along…Huh? IT just said something to M3...something like “Boom Chooga-Wookie, Wiikiie-Wiiike Chill”. Laugh if you want, but that crazy little sentence is just another thing that keeps me chill . So chill should read “Boom Chooga-Wookie, Wiikiie Wii

May these sheets of paper fly, I’m filling in old lines and giving new “clues”, I’ll leave them along the path of the journey not that has yet to begin. It’s me today, and my thoughts are “checking in”.  I’ve got a few things to say today people and I will not be ignored.  Time to be a little “real”, so all pussy faggots must go …Seems someone at the VA wants my attention..Well, okay Mr. Kruse you’ve got my attention…LET’S GO: To that bitch-faggot-pussy-motherfucker who keeps sending out the “reply” emails for EVERY company in the world – FUCK YOU – and that comes not only from me, but from everyone else in the world who writes a letter and gets back one of your shitty responses.  No Sir, you DO NOT get a today…You don’t get “Thank You” and you certainly will not have your letter saved in my “Happy Letters” mailbox… FUCK YOU ..Put my letter in the name next time, SPELL my shit right next time..It’s AMARI …Is that too much to ask?  Can you make an effort to ensure that I feel that

Today has to be to have been one of the worst days of my life. Today I found out that I’ve lost my words…imagine the amount of PAIN i am in, l 0”0 k at that, I didn’t even CAPTIALIZE I …I’m already going thru so much shit in my life right now…Still waiting on my Military Benefits, still looking for others who are waiting on benefits…To lose my WORDS on top of                                                                  THAT My words were all that I had left…My book, my lives’ story, my hopes, my dreams…All of those things were tied to those words..Fuck! ! ! < That is what I have to cap of my week…with all that I’ve found out. Like how I manage to do just about any/everything wrong (and I do that quite well I might I add) , I make horrible decisions and I am financially irresponsible. That’s just the shit that I already knew & someone still felt they needed to tell me (no I will not let it go) . I found out this week that outside of my children, my life is full of